last night i was fretting over something — nothing new there. it was a situation i’d been a little short-tempered about, and then, BOOM! i got the answer i’d been waiting for. except that it came with an unexpected generosity that floored me.
so i started fretting about how i didn’t deserve the kindness that had been extended to me. i fretted about it until this morning, when, as i was praying and staring out the kitchen windows into the backyard, i realized something.
i didn’t deserve God’s grace, or mercy, or love, or attention, or any good thing He’s given me. not one bit. yet He wanted me to experience them, to know Him, to be loved of Him and to love Him. if i refused His gift of salvation because i felt like i didn’t deserve it i would be ridiculous. or, if i constantly moped about how i didn’t deserve it, i would diminish my enjoyment of what He gladly gave me.
yet it’s all too easy to do just that, and i do it often. instead of reveling in the wonder that i can never, ever pay Him back and therefore asking Him to give me more, i unconsciously (or consciously) try to be good to feel like i am making Him happy or deserve, in some small way, what He’s given me.
and that’s just stupid. just plain, stuck-up, self-centered stupid.
but i love it that He shows me how undeserving i am, but how much it delights Him to give, and give, and give and never hold Himself back from me, even if i hold myself back from Him.
He is patient with my stubbornness, and kind to me in my weakness, and never fails regardless of how many times i do.
i’m totally undeserving of Him, but oh, how wonderful He is.
Hmm. You’re probably like my Grandma. You seem to worry and fret over things much more than I do. Which can totally be a good thing. (At times, I border on heartless….)
well, mostly it’s my reactions to things that i fret over … i guess maybe “fret” isn’t quite the right word. if i want an answer to something that requires action or scheduling on my part, for example, i want the answer promptly. so i get annoyed or irritated if the reply doesn’t adhere to my definition of promptness. : ) although i have noticed i tend to make lots of mountains out of molehills. i never realized i did that before my anti-seizure medication, so i wonder if part of that is anxiety that’s become habitual, or whether it just points to insecurity or something on my part (totally possible).