willing to be brave

“you must never lose faith.

you must never lose heart —

God will restore your trust.

and i know you’re afraid,

i’m as scared as you are,

but willing to be brave …

brave enough for love.”

— “brave enough for love,” from jane eyre, the musical

today marks a week until my surgery. it seems funny, almost — and it definitely feels surreal — to think it’s here after however many months of waiting. yet a friend had a bad accident sunday night and has surgery tomorrow. life is so fast and slow sometimes as to be astonishing. and somehow you learn that things that once mattered don’t matter so much after all.

i cut my hair off. well, i didn’t do it. but i had it cut off for me. i don’t think my doctors will shave much, if any, of my hair. still, i didn’t want to be too attached to it and have an emotional crisis there in the hospital. i hate crying in public, probably because even something as sappy as a hallmark commercial can start the tears pricking.

so i cut my hair. i didn’t have to, and probably some people would rather i hadn’t. i didn’t do it to be rebellious or defiant, or because i was angry or depressed or what have you. i did it to remind myself to be brave. that whatever bravery and peace i have are only because of God’s infinite kindness to me as His child.

i obviously am not super woman, so of course sometimes i’m still scared, or nervous, or prone to wish it were all over already. short hair doesn’t make me invincible. i don’t think i even wish it did. for a long time i was impatient and and wanted to get this ordeal over as quickly as possible so i could get on with my work, my plans, my activities, my life as i thought i should be able to live it. God, i found out, does not feel the need to do things by my timetable.

but you know what else i found out? it’s better when they run by His.