sleepless in the summer

i woke up this morning with a chip on my shoulder.

i’d like to believe that generally i’m a sweet, gracious, loving woman with the poise of a dancer and the dignity of a queen, who never gets ruffled, miffed or the teensiest bit angry and who rises to any occasion with the perfectly appropriate response.

yeah. obviously i am not. {insert rueful grin here.}

i was miffed, ruffled, not so gracious and really a bit sour this morning because, of all things, i had to wake up. i’ve awakened every morning — okay, some of them were probably afternoons — for almost 24 years now, so you’d think i’d get used to this fact of life: mornings happen and they must be met. but eventually i dragged myself out of bed, bleary-eyed and disgruntled at yet another restless night.

i’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. i’m not entirely sure why. it might be a weight difference between winter blankets and summertime blankets, perhaps — in the winter i usually have blankets six inches deep piled on and tucked around me to keep out all the chills. can’t do that in a kansas summer, unfortunately. or maybe it’s because my pillows are lumpy and sometimes bewilderingly uncomfortable. maybe it’s because i stay up too late blogging (eep!). maybe it’s because my mind is worn out and my body isn’t. maybe it’s because of the trauma my head’s gone through in the past year. maybe it’s because of realities (and imaginations) i’m wrestling with. maybe there is no single reason.

anyway, i woke up rather gruntled, and stonily read through today’s scripture passages from isaiah like they were any other words printed on a page. i tried. oh, i tried to awaken some spiritual feeling somewhere in my heart so i could “be good.”

{on a sidenote: i hate “being good.” it’s so stupid, and i’m so bad at it.}

but not much happened.

i got to work and listened to jon foreman’s season EPs while posting content to our website. some of the songs were happy, some were sad and almost made me cry (“somebody’s baby,” for instance) — and then one struck me right in the heart.

it was “Your love is strong,” the song i actually posted a couple of days ago. the truth in the lyrics was just what i needed to hear and be reminded of.

— — —

Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
You give me the food I need to live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I look at the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens, is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens, is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself to buy the one you’ve found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

— — —

that is true, and will always be true whether i feel it or believe it in the moment or not. God’s love for me is not dependent on my awareness of it. but, all the same, i need to be constantly, increasingly aware of it — of Him.

it also reminded me, later, of verses i read this morning (i guess more went on in my mind than i realized).

You will say in that day:
“I will give thanks to you, O LORD,
for though you were angry with me,
your anger turned away,
that you might comfort me.
Behold, God is my salvation;
I will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the LORD GOD is my strength and my song,
and he has become my salvation.”
— isaiah 12:1-2, ESV

why should i worry? why should i freak out? God knows what i need. Him. and He delights to give Himself to me.

needless to say, after that realization the day got much better.

{then i made granola tonight, and that was good, too.}