big dreams, little girl

i dream a lot.

not just night dreams — daydreams, and things i want to do or be a part of someday. a lot of those “someday dreams” are things i would absolutely love to do and pour myself into, but there are obstacles in the way — mostly money, but also time and the right circumstances. i was talking to my mom tonight about one of these things i’d love to do and she said “well, the first step in doing anything is to pray.”

why didn’t i think of that? of course it is! i seem to usually let seemingly insurmountable obstacles dictate whether i do something or not, but God wants us to ask. He even said “you don’t have because you don’t ask.” of course He might always say “no,” or, perhaps more difficult to accept, “wait,” but if He does, it’s because He has something better in mind. i’m a little person, and big things scare me … but if i don’t start somewhere, now, eventually someday, then, i am going to be a little old lady and will never have done anything.

so i might just start asking.

another thing about dreams is that imperfection scares me. often (not always) i will dream a huge elaborate creative dream and get all excited about a new project i am really going to do this time … then i’ll wake up, realize just how complicated my idea was, and sigh in resignation because of course it’s impossible to get it perfect and just exactly the way i envision it.

well, really — who cares? if i don’t do it i’ll never know what i could have done.

but i do have that annoying perfectionist streak of “if i can’t get it right, why should i try and fail?” that crops up at annoying times. it gave me an interesting series of panic attacks earlier this year when i was working on a particularly … stretching … creative project. part of that stretching was learning to buck up and get over myself, learning not to compare myself with others, and learning that i am not the center of all things (i have to learn that one so often you’d think i’d have it down by now).

maybe truly successful dreamers are so because they have cultivated a humble insanity — a “this is not about me and i obviously cannot accomplish this by myself, but God can, so i’m going to trust Him and take a flying leap off this cliff” sort of attitude.

i don’t take flying leaps off cliffs. ever. are you crazy? i might fall. i hate falling. it’s terrifying. it hurts when you hit the bottom.

but then, when have i ever asked for the courage to take a flying leap?