too much on my mind

i’ve been thinking so much lately that i’ve had too much to write. so of course i haven’t written any of it (is that laziness or perfectionism?). it’s hard to say to myself “sit, write, put words on that page!” when my thoughts are flying around like bats in a cave and i’m always tired because i stay up way too late thinking (and wasting time on the internet).

sometimes i will just lie in bed and think for long stretches of time. is that odd? i love to think. sometimes i don’t want to think, or i’m too tired to think, or my mind just seems completely empty. but other times i just think and think and think and never want to go to sleep.

God is stretching my mind again, which is a good thing. a great thing, actually. He defies my pinning down, which makes my head explode several times a day. it also makes me look forward to heaven where we’ll see Him face to face and won’t dicker and argue (or “discuss calmly, rationally and maturely”) about true and false points of how we see Him here and now. when we see Him we’ll be like Him because we’ll see Him how He is, and we’ll get to start spending forever learning what that entails.

i hate conflict. i think i always have. i know it can be a good and healthy thing, and i know there are certainly good reasons for conflict sometimes. but it hurts me. i have burst out in tears before at conflict among people. i can’t explain it except to say that i hate separation, i hate disunity, i hate division. it hurts me when people are upset (or when i perceive them to be upset). i don’t know if this has anything to do with spiritual gifting or personal insecurity or what. all i know is that if conflict is the salt, then i’m the slug.

which is odd, because i love discussing things. i love hearing differing viewpoints and perspectives and analyses. i love pondering how other people view the world, and specifically how they view God. i love thinking. i just don’t like it when it seems like people can’t respect each other or accept an incorrect opinion/viewpoint graciously.

i’ve been thinking about dreams. not the kind that happen at night; those are interesting and odd and lovely and disturbing enough for their own post. no, i’ve been thinking about the dreams and desires i have to do things: learn latin, learn other languages, write, develop as a photographer, translate words into pictures via photographs, travel, cook all the recipes in my cookbooks (okay, or at least some), do big things.

i realized i have to make myself take little, concrete steps on these, or else nothing will happen. i can’t just jump into most things and do them. everything has to have a beginning, even if it’s small. “do not despise the day of small beginnings” — right?

then there’s that other thing. the thing i figured out (the hard way) a while ago that you can’t just wall up and pretend it doesn’t exist. i tried that once, like the villain-hero of poe’s the cask of amontillado (i speak metaphorically), but my corpse didn’t stay quiet. pretending something doesn’t exist is foolish and selfish, because even if whatever it is only exists in your mind, whatever’s there can influence actions that exist in relation to others. do you know what i’m talking about? good, i hoped not. my point is that i can’t run backward, and i can’t run forward looking backward. but i have to run straight ahead and not give up, even when it hurts and i would really rather quit and take the easy route.

no. no settling. ever.