can’t get out of it

forgiveness is hard when you don’t know what it is you need to forgive.

repentance is hard when you don’t know what you’re repenting of.

anger? okay, that makes sense. anger at what? after four years, what’s left to be angry about?

anger at yourself, or someone else? or both? why?

or fear? okay. fear caused by …

guilt? embarrassment? paranoia? untruth and half-truth?

more anger caused by those things?

you’re supposed to face your fear. if it doesn’t kill you it’s supposed to make you stronger, right?

yeah, if you survive the racing heart, shaking hands, panic attack, sick feeling in your stomach and manage to pretend to be nice when it’s the last thing you feel like being.

i don’t know whether this is a molehill or a mountain i’m climbing, or if it’s just a mirage my imagination has dreamed up to mock me.

i’m stuck in a moment i don’t know how to get out of.

but i know there’s an answer. and i’ll wait for it.