this side of tomorrow

i write this to you because i don’t know whether you’ll ever exist

other than in my heart

and the gleam in my mind’s eye

i dream about you sometimes

at night or while waking

all my plans for feeding clothing schooling

loving you

with a mother’s extravagance and intensity

last week i held a baby

walked up and down halls

letting her touch things that took her fancy

i sang minor-key lullabies under my breath

let her clutch my fingers

as she toddled forward

i realized i wanted a home

a man strong and gentle

and in love with God before me

who would softly whisper

sweetheart

in my hair

and sons and daughters

to love and train together

in anguish and heartbreak

in wonder, enraptured, astonished

but what if you aren’t to be?

that could be the saddest thing

or the most beautiful

time is held in stronger Hands

than mine

the best is hidden from view this side but i’ll keep waiting