”everything human must have in it both joy and sorrow; the only matter of interest is the manner in which the two things are balanced or divided.”
— g.k. chesterton
when i get grumpy, i get very grumpy.
today it was sort of a slow, afternoon-long process. probably didn’t help that my lunch was a strawberry and a tablespoon of peanut butter — and that was because i knew i had to eat something.
i begin to understand (a little) why depression is so hard to recover from. once you get in that current of emotion (or nonemotion) you go down and down and down … and don’t feel like fighting it. you wish everyone would stop talking and being so … energetic … and just let you alone, in the quiet, with your mind. only then your mind does all the talking and it doesn’t always say nice things to you about you or anyone else.
i second-guess myself a lot. i did it most of the afternoon, i think. while being grumpy.
it didn’t help.
eventually things got better, through a combination of eating dinner, throwing things away, praying something like “hi God, i need help,” and watching a william powell and myrna loy movie.
maybe my little introvert just had too much excitement this week.
maybe i was preoccupied with how to finally get right something i’ve been doing wrong.
i need to learn how to not be selfish. life isn’t about me.
i think i understand now what marita littauer means when she says phlegmatic personalities want to be valued just for who they are as a person and not for anything they do or don’t do. let’s forget my accomplishments and my failures. just love me because i’m alive — please?
anyway. this has not been a bad day. it just had more blue moments than usual.